There's a song called
"All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor that I initially really
enjoyed. When I heard it for the first time, I didn't quite pay attention to
the lyrics nor had I watched the video. So I enjoyed listening to it for many
weeks after that. Then I finally saw the video & actually heard the lyrics.
Since then there's an odd feeling I get when I listen to it. I still enjoy the
tune & the overall feel of the song but the message disturbs me. Because the
message of the song is quite paradoxical & it hits close to home. On the one hand it says you are perfect the way you are so don't worry
about your size; on the other hand it
says boys like more booty to hold at night. So... you're perfect if you have more booty
since that's what boys prefer? WHAT???!?! Great. Now you're giving a reason for skinny people to feel inadequate & undesirable.
This is what brought on
an important inner discussion for me. This made me think long & hard about
my feelings & I realized that this is one of those rare sensitive topics
that make me feel low about myself. I'm going to turn 24 years old in a month &
I still haven't settled on my opinion about my body. This is also one of the most difficult blog posts I've written.
I keep going through
phases when sometimes I'm comfortable in my skin & sometimes I'm not. When
I was in my early teenage years, I never felt this uncertainty; I was more than
comfortable in my body. I didn't even notice that girls around me were growing
boobs & I wasn't. Was it because I was in a girls' school? But even when I
moved to a co-ed, I didn't feel inadequate. This began during my college life. It
started with aunties & uncles commenting on how skinny I am.
Here are some of the
comments I hear on a regular basis & my response to them (which is restricted to my inner voice):
"Eat
something" - No thank you, I'll
live without eating. Unlike your body, I have a mutant body that can survive
without this basic necessity called food.
"Your parents don't give you food?" - No they don't. They're too busy giving me a
better life than they had. Please call child services.
"Come & stay with us for a month
& you'll become fine" - Oh so you're one of
those miracle workers? Like Baba Ramdev? Hmm, what's your strategy? Does this
come with a money back guarantee?
"Take some meat from my body & put it
on yours" - Cool. How about you go
get a medical degree first & then invent this process.
Putting their hand around my leg/wrist &
saying "Look at those
legs- so skinny! Your legs are the size of my arms!" - Good. Now I'll go replace the talking monkey
in the street circus so people can come watch me & be amused.
"You're pretty, but you'll be prettier if
you put on some weight" - Umm....Thank you....?
"The wind will blow you away!" - And you'll melt humanity with your
stupidity!
There's a BuzzFeed article that pretty much sums up my entire social life
while throwing a little humor into this sad situation.
Most people over a
certain age believe it's their right to comment on my figure. Not only comment
about how skinny I am but also assume that it's because I don't eat & give unsolicited advice about it. It’s actually quite
ironic because most of these people are on the unhealthily fat side. If I
wanted your advice, I would have asked for it. If I thought you were competent
enough or an expert in the field & that I needed help, I would have
certainly asked for it. But no, you're not an expert. You're fat & that's
not a qualification!
Let’s talk about
implicit social rules here for a bit. Why is it okay to call me 'skinny' at your free will but it's
offensive if I call someone 'fat'?
Why? Oh wait, I've been told that the acceptable word is 'Voluptuous'. You know, like how you can't call a deaf person deaf
since the acceptable term is 'Hearing Impaired'. Okay. Is there an
"acceptable" word for 'skinny' then that I haven’t heard of?
Dude, you know nothing
about my medical history or genetic background so with what confidence are you
assuming that I’m skinny because I want
to be skinny? I have always been skinny. I was born underweight & I always
have been. It's not like I was given a choice & I chose to be skinny. I eat
fine. It's true that I'm not a big eater but I am neither bulimic nor do I
skip meals. I'm just naturally skinny; plain & simple. Being
skinny is in my genetic structure. You know how I know this? Because multiple doctors have said so! My Mother was 40 kgs when she got married.
She, like me, was always skinny. She, like me, was a sportswoman. In fact she
was better than me. She represented India in Basketball, played cricket for the
state & was an athlete throughout her school life, college life & early
career. She was skinny but she was fit. If she wasn't fit, I doubt she would've
had such an incredible sports career. Similarly, my Father was quite skinny. He
was in the Indian Air Force for 15 years & I'm sure you know how much
importance is given to fitness when you're in National Defence. My brother is
quite skinny too but he also is a damn good sportsman. My parents are in their
late fifties now but they still look like they're in their forties. That's how
fit they are despite their 'figures' & 'weights'. I highly doubt that
these ‘voluptuous’ people who give us unsolicited ‘health’ advice can move at
the speed & with the endurance that we can.
Listen, just like how
you would argue that being 'large' is not necessarily unhealthy, being 'skinny'
is also not the same as being unhealthy. You don't know the next person's
medical history or genetic background or even just what their life has been so
far & that means you don't know enough to say whether someone's trying to
be size 0 or is unhealthy. Also, I think at the age of 24 I know enough about
my body to have tried various things & identified what has resulted in
success & what in failure (I'm looking at you Aunties who keep saying I
should try XYZ protein shakes).
There’s a beautiful blog
post titled “OMG do you eat?”
written by Rebecca Judd- a model, speech pathologist, mother & wife- on her being the target of “Skinny
Shaming” by a famous daily. It neatly sums up my issues with this. Seriously, why
can't the message be ‘"Be healthy" & be healthy because you
deserve it’? Why does it have to be ‘"Be skinny" or "Be
fat" because boys want it?’ Why does Meghan Trainor have to sing about the
time when her Momma told her that boys like a little more booty at night so
throw that damn Barbie away?! Her Momma should have told her to get her act
together.
I’ll tell you what ‘skinny
shaming’ does, what I let happen to me.
There was a brief period
when I started to withdraw from social interactions. I would refuse to go to
parties with my parents because I knew I would have to face 'skinny shaming'
without lashing out. I just didn't have the patience to deal with that. I also
stopped dancing & performing on stage because I looked really skinny
compared to all the other dancers/performers in the group. I got extremely
conscious about going on stage & having the spotlight on me. I started
imagining that everybody's eyes were on me & they were whispering how
skinny & ugly I am. So I just stopped doing the thing I did since I was
three years old- dancing. I gave up dance for a while & with it whatever
little grace I had. (Eventually I
went back to dancing; I took up Kathak & that brought back some amount of
grace & inner beauty that I needed.)
I see all these Instagram
photos & blogs which women of my age post about their bodies & I'm
simply amazed. How do they have so much confidence in their bare skin to post a
beautiful picture of their body? I'm too conscious to even pose for a photo
fully clothed & here are everyday women of my age sharing pictures of their
bodies.
I've never been one to
wear skimpy clothes in public such as tube tops, hot pants, mini-skirts,
corsets, etc., not because I know I don't have the body for it but mostly
because I want to avoid 'skinny shaming’. (And also because I never find any of
these in my size.) As it is shopping for my size in India is impossible since
very rarely do I find clothes of my size. On top of that every time I have to
dress up to go out, I spend a considerable amount of time wondering which piece
of clothing would make me look less skinny. Even for my hairstyle I go through
the same decision making process.
Let's talk about guys'
behaviour towards my figure for a bit now. You'd imagine that I would feel
inadequate because men don't find me pretty since I'm too skinny. But no, that
couldn't be further from the truth. Except uncles & their fathers, not many
men have commented on my 'skinny' figure. It's mostly been from women &
media. And what is this BS about men like ‘Real Women’? What makes ‘voluptuous’
women “real” and not me? So I guess that the time when my Mother was bedridden
for a week & I spent 2.5 hrs everyday cooking for the whole family of 6- breakfast,
lunch & dinner- I wasn’t being a real woman since I don’t have any curves.
Okay awesome.
I have become so
conscious about my body now that I don't believe a man when he says he finds me
hot or beautiful. My mind just blocks it out. My immediate thoughts are “maybe he says that to every girl” or “maybe he’s just saying that to get into my
skirt” or “maybe he’s a loser &
thinks I’m easy”. As you can imagine, this is one of the big factors that
is affecting my love life.
But in the spirit of being honest I have to admit that this year has not been good for me health-wise. I had my
first ever operation this year & fell ill a few times before & after
that. Most of the issues though were brought on by mental stress. See there's
another thing- Mental health is as important, if not more, as physical health.
When I realized that my job was killing me I decided to take a break to focus
on my health. It's been a month & even though my focus is split between my
health & preparing for the GMAT, I've done a good job w.r.t getting my
health back on track. You know how I know this? Because I can feel it from
within even though it hasn't resulted in a bigger booty. More on this in another
post.
So like I said, I don’t
work towards being skinny. Yes, I’d like to have bigger boobs so I can shop for
bras easily, and have a bigger behind so I can finally fill out my damn jeans. But
it’s not a choice that I’m given. Having
said that, if I were given a choice between only skinny & fat, I would
choose skinny. You see, pardon me, but if we get onto a race track, I bet it would
be my ‘skinny’ legs that would defeat your 'voluptuous' backside. Now that much I'm confident about.
Here's something for the skinny guys too :)