Guardian Jewels

Some highly observant people have asked me why I wear my old-fashioned, gold watch all the time. 

It was my Late Didima's (Maternal grandma) watch and she wore it all the time. Boy, did it look great on her! I have other watches too, more 'fashionable' ones but her watch has the timeless uniqueness that none of the prada, gucci, tommy watches can match. Just like my Didima. Most importantly, I wear it because it gives me a sense of comfort that she's always watching over me & I'm not alone.

The necklace is another piece that I inherited from her and I wear it with all my sarees. I never forget to wear it for any family wedding. I wear this necklace because my Didima was a beautiful and fabulous lady and I hope to be a tiny reflection of her some day.

These pieces of jewelry have been through my many ups and downs but have still remained the same timeless beauties, giving me a sense of stability and security just like my Didima did.

Sunayana Sen

The room on rent

On that clear summer morning the girl in the yellow pants ended her journey with you. You both have done this before but this time it has a sense of finality. For some reason she wonders what your future would be without her. She had never considered this before, not even when you chose someone else one time. But today she is. 

You’re in a new country now exploring sights, people, food, experiences. Every day is an adventure for you and fortunately for you, this leaves little room to think about the girl in the yellow pants who occupied two years of your life. Slowly and steadily this girl will fade from your thoughts and occupy a small room in the recesses of your mind. Sometimes you will walk down the road to that room just to sit over a coffee and reminisce with her. Maybe even you will chat about what could have been. Who knows? But slowly those visits will stop as you will meet other girls. Some of them may remind you of that girl in the yellow pants who lives in a room in your mind while some of them may make you feel like you are fortunate for that clear summer day. She wonders if you still smile thinking about her. Do you ever wonder about me the same way I wonder about you she asks. Do you feel like picking up the phone and calling me to make everything like before, she asks again. She does.

There will be a girl soon who will be THE girl for you. You will finally fall in love with her, marry her and have a loving family with her. You will forget all about that girl in the yellow pants who quietly lives in the room in your mind. You will stop visiting her. On one emotional occasion you will take THE girl along with you for one last visit to the room to introduce them to each other. You will tell THE girl that she was a part of your life for a while and will hopefully say a nice thing or two about her. You will tell the girl in the yellow pants that this is your last visit to her room. Consider this your eviction notice you will say. It’s time to leave.

Maybe your paths will cross again someday when you’re 60 years old with grey hair and wrinkled skin. God can be cruel that way. Or merciful. Whichever way you see it. Maybe that love will raise its head again. Maybe you will have coffee together and talk about your respective families. Maybe you will remember what she looked like in the yellow pants. Maybe you will wish things never ended. Maybe.

Sunayana Sen

“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” -Jean de La Fontaine

In my previous posts about my self-discovery in career and love I spoke of a trip that I took to Singapore. It was the most important trip of my life and I could live it a million times. 

At Marina Bay Sands Singapore

I was heart broken, ready to quit my job, ready to just curl up under a blanket and sleep for the rest of my life. I couldn't envision a future for myself, constantly questioned my past and I certainly didn't know how to deal with the present. The only thing my gut told me was leave. And I went to Singapore. I promised myself that I would not get on to Facebook or chat with anybody from back home while I was there because I needed every bit of space to get back on my feet.

My days in Singapore were the most empty days that I ever had. I would wake up post noon, have lunch for over an hour while watching TV, then I would take a nap, wake up and shower and then go explore the city. Usually I'm a very organized person when it comes to travel; I research about the tourist attractions, the things to do, the history of the place, the costs for each of them and make an extensive itinerary. This time I hadn't done any research and didn't have any itinerary. Which was kind of liberating. I was free to go where I wanted with a blank mind. I went to the Marina Bay Sands, visited the casino there (my first casino experience ever!), chilled at the Sentosa beach at 10 pm, drank at the East Coast Park beach until 6 am and watched the sun rise, went to a dance bar (my first experience with this too!), tried different cuisines- all of which I have never done in India and probably won't ever get to do.

My most memorable experience was the day that I spent on Sentosa Island by myself. One afternoon I just took off to the island with nothing except money, phone and camera. For the longest time I sat at the beach cafe where I had stopped to eat a hot dog. I just sat there doing nothing but watching the water. Water brings a certain sense of calm to me and I was there soaking it all in without interruption. I watched people enjoying the water too and just being with their loved ones. That evening was the best I had had.

You know, when you have space around you, you should really use it. I was forced out of a future I held very dear to me but then I asked myself, was this who my parents raised? I couldn't just give up without a fight. I refused to disappoint myself. And that's when my upward climb began. As my day to leave Singapore came close, I had to pick up the pieces and make it into something. But I couldn't think of anything. So I decided to take life one day at a time just like did in Singapore. No thinking about the future became my mantra. Six months was the time I gave myself do something before I pack up and leave my hometown. I gave these six months my all- days, nights, sweat, blood, brains, focus, tears. I taught myself coding, I learned to play the drums, I taught children English and to build kaleidoscopes, and best of all, I started learning Kathak. I drowned myself in all this because I didn't know what to do. And it paid off in many ways. At work I earned respect and got promoted; At the school I felt good about the love I was getting from children; At dance I re-built my feminine-ness. Ofcourse for the first couple of months I was still an emotional wreck but slowly I started loving myself again the way I never did before.

This day last year I was in Singapore with a blank mind. Today I am here being the best I can be.

Be the best you can be. -Sunayana Sen

Sunayana Sen



You can live my travels through my Facebook album- Travelogue 

Hotel Centaur. Room 3014.

On our 6th day of the J&K tour we arrived in Srinagar and were put up in a hotel called Centaur. At first look it's massive. It's on the banks of the Dal lake, spread out on a humongous piece of land, nearby the shopping area and an upscale residential area. As we entered the gates I noticed lots of greenery, wild vegetation growing in place of a manicured lawn. About 150 mts into the gate we approached a gigantic building with chipped paint at places and moss growing on walls. We entered a wide lobby stretching end to end and beyond that we saw a magical view of the Dal lake.

Once we got our room keys we all started our trek to find our rooms. Now we had to find our room among 250 rooms. The inside of the hotel was like a maze and when I was walking the halls I felt like I was in a university. There are probably some 10 wings in this hotel. Ma changed my room from near to civilisation to a room in a godforsaken wing. And we were the only 2 guests who were sent there. Room 3014.

Just that morning I was watching a horror movie on tv starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. I didn't register the name. Anyway, that movie had a serial killer hunting a party of teenage kids who were on the island on vacation. That's EXACTLY what I anticipated when I approached room 3014. As it is I was freaked on top of which we weren't able to find the lights in the room. Curtains drawn shut, lights not on, tv not switching on; imagine the looks on my brother's and my faces. For lack of connectivity I started playing on the iPad while my brother left me alone to find the tv technician (yes, my brother's priorities are set in stone). I sat like that for close to an hour. Our luggage hadn't even arrived then and I couldn't leave the room since my brother was gone. For lack of anything to do I started working on my Faceversary blog series. I was completely lost in writing when I heard a door bang. I thought maybe they moved another of my group's family to this wing and I got out to see who it was only to find that mine was the last room in the corridor and the neighbouring room was locked. Ok now I was officially creeped out. But I had enough lessons in psychology and L&D sessions to rationalise the noise. I went back to my room and started thinking of logical reasons for that noise. A little later my brother came back and told me he couldn't find our parents. About 15 mins later a door started banging continuously which went on for a few minutes. For all the pride my brother & I take in belonging to the Kshatriya class we were complete chickens to check out what was happening. Once the banging stopped we walked out to find out which room was the source only to find nothing.

When we went back my brother tightened the cable and we had tv to entertain us. Oh and what were we watching? The Ring. Yeah, good choice right. Our luggage was finally delivered by an old man who could barely walk without dragging his feet. We asked him if there were any guests in the neighbouring rooms; he said no. We asked what were these locked rooms; he said these are old rooms that have some discarded furniture and junk. So the big question was, where was the noise coming from? A couple of hours later we left to go shopping and told Ma that this room was way too far from everyone else's and we weren't comfortable. After we came back from shopping we got the room changed to one that was less creepy (By then I had realised that the whole hotel was creepy). But we still had to go back to get our luggage so the old man came along with us. I asked him if there was any story or history of this place and he started narrating a story that made me grab my luggage and run to my new room.
                   "This hotel was built in the 1930s when the British still ruled. Because of the beauty of Kashmir it attracted lots of Dukes &  Duchess used to stay here when they came to visit. During the freedom struggle a group of Kashmiri freedom fighters mercilessly shot all of them. After a few decades it was reopened only to be used again as a military base during the Kargil war. This hotel has seen many deaths, lots of bloodshed, independence & wars".

So that's how my Srinagar stay was. Have you thought of the story every place has? Just like a human, every object has its own story to tell. 

Sunayana Sen

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" -Dalai Lama

When I was in college studying management, I was predicted to be one of the most successful persons in our batch. I certainly was on the way to becoming it. I participated in organizations and events in and outside college and felt superb about it. One day when I was showing my American friend around the city she asked me if my ambition is to work in one of these corporates and I said, "No, I have bigger ambitions". Then I got a highly coveted job with one of the world's best employers and I started working in one of those buildings. 

Inside Raheja Mindspace, Hitech City, Hyderabad

So let’s go back two years. When my final year began and I was enrolling for placements, I took a systematic path to it. I sat with my uncle who’s a career counselor and drew a timeline. He asked “Where do you see yourself at 30?” and I said, “I’m running my own business.” And then back-tracked from there, put down where I see myself at 27 yrs, at 25 yrs, at 23 yrs, and so forth. I took it a little further and told myself where I saw myself at 50 yrs!

Now a year later I was at my first employer. Since our office culture doesn't take very kindly to formal wear I put all those new, tailor-made formal pants and skirts in the back of my cupboard and brought out all my casuals. The first day I entered office I was ready to take on the world. I was ready to be one of the most successful people of my batch. I knew that I studied in an average college and even though I was one of the best students, I was still an average person. The point is, I was average and I knew it. So I gave myself some time to soak in the changes, understand the mentality and get into that groove. It’s human nature to take some time to adapt. And then I made the biggest mistake.

I told myself that I wasn’t as smart as everybody else.

Trust me when I say that it’s the worst mistake one can ever make. Nobody’s words hit you as hard as your own. So because I wasn’t as smart as others I wouldn’t actively participate in discussions, just be a passive observer. The irony is that one of my top five strengths is ‘Command’. Add my personal problems to this and you get a mess.       

Months went by and in December I was dying. My mind was blank. I couldn’t concentrate on work; I couldn’t understand anything. I was dying to just get away and I decided to go to Singapore. My company was kind enough to give me that time off and Singapore changed it all. After ten days in Singapore I said to myself, “I can’t leave like this. I didn’t work hard in college to leave things mid-way. I will go back and I will give myself six months. I have to go a step further in the next six months.” So I came back and threw myself into work. And the three things I’ve lived by since January are a Constantly ticking internal clock, Gain knowledge and expertise and Do. Everyday I would go work with a sense of urgency telling myself that I don’t have much time left. On my calendars at home and work everyday I strike out the date at the end of the day to reinforce the time limitation. I placed a white board next to me, on outlook started noting down what I do everyday, wrote down important points on post-its and sticking them on my monitor. My work became my competition and my escape so much so that there were times I left office only around midnight to come back at 7 am the next morning. And my favorite part was acquiring new skills. Since I came back, coding and excel have become my pet. Figuring out logic became my drug. Soon you will a Facebook app made by me!

I’ve learnt to make my manager my confidant and it’s worked out pretty well. After three months when I asked her if I’ve moved forward since December, she said I’ve had exponential growth J. I went home and cried that evening! Now I have another three months left and a new problem at hand- I don’t know where I want to go after these three months. Ah well, I’ll deal with it as it comes.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunayana Sen

"A man's errors are his portals of discovery." James Joyce

I had expected my life to be relatively smooth like the blue line in this graph. However, the red line with the spikes and drops is more like how my life was in the past year.

In my previous blog post I invited all my readers to watch this discovery through a series of blog posts and I'm going to do this in three parts. Let's start with the event that set off an avalanche of changes.

When I left college I promised myself that the next relationship I would be in would be my final, my forever after so I would have to choose very carefully and be absolutely sure before I got into it. Yeah, so it didn't happen that way. On May 16th, by the pool at Novotel after work he asked me, "Sunayana, will you go out with me? Please say yes or I will jump into this ditch!" And I said yes. What made me say yes? He's bengalee, he's good looking (Apparently, only his girlfriends think so), he doesn't smoke, he's hard working and he likes me; everything I wanted in my life partner. Besides, how can I say that some guy will be my forever after if I don't give it a try? I'm not going to fall in love in just one day; I'm going to have to spend some time building a relationship. So I said yes. What did I learn at this point? Don't be too rigid. Give it a shot, take that risk.

Days went by and we said our I love you's. His first gift to me was a beautiful pair of silver earrings which I NEVER took off. It made me feel complete. His next gift- a traditional gold ring from his hometown. Needless to say, I NEVER took it off. I introduced him to my parents and Baba's first words were, "I'm very happy you chose a bengalee boy." I got him home, Ma cooked for him, parents chatted with him, his parents asked about me everyday, kept asking him sharp questions to see whether he really loved me, he introduced me to his didi, he asked me if I would marry him; basically all was good. What did I learn at this point? I learned that I have a lot of love to give and I can be somebody's rock through thick and thin. And you know what, I loved that feeling.

Then five months later he told me he kissed another girl.

When I was learning how to swim my coach would take off my tube and fling me into the water and I would frantically kick my arms and legs just to stay at the surface. Know that feeling? Yeah that was what I felt when I heard this. It took me seven days of a roller coaster ride of emotions to finally be happy for him that he found someone who could make him smile. It was the start of Durga Puja then and I vividly remember standing in front of the new idol and praying for the first time in many years (I was an atheist for a few years). I started believing in God that day. I said, "If she is who makes him smile, I'm happy for him. His smile brings me peace and I always want to see him smile." And that's a prayer I've said everyday since. The next day he came back to me. I weighed everything and made a conscious decision to give it another shot. This point onward began my self-discovery.

So he came back from his vacation, we got back together, mutual friends gave him loads of shit about what he did and I remained his rock. Did I forbid him from talking to this girl? No. People told me that was my biggest mistake. At that point it didn't seem like it. At this point also it doesn't seem like it. I did the right thing. Why?

"Try not to be a man of success, but a man of value."
Albert Einstein 

So I have to tell you about this girl for you to understand why. This girl is known to be a dumb s**t. She slept with/made out with a couple other colleagues and others and is known to be "too dumb to even make fun of". She had two friends in this city both of whom are my colleagues and they abandoned her. Not only abandoned, but proactively cold-shouldered her too. My entire work circle (her only social circle at this point) was being a bitch to her. She had no friends. She wasn't getting a job either. Everywhere she tried, she got rejected. She's jobless. (Yet she had the time & heart to go partying everyday) He was the only friend she had. Oh and she lives four buildings away from mine. Now what did I think of her? Until this point I hadn't heard anything about her from him other than "she's pretty". The only thing I thought about her was that she has very low respect for herself and others. I strongly believe that someone who would agree to be the other woman, kiss another woman's man knowing that he's taken and entertains a man's infidelity has zero self respect. And this goes for men too. But other than this, I didn't judge her to be a "dumb s**t". I also believe that there are some people who you connect with who you show your genuine self to and there are others who see only a part of you and judge you. I thought maybe he was the friend she connected with. Now one thing this experience taught me is that genuine friendship can be your oxygen. I didn't want to take away her only friend from her. Not even the devil deserves to be friendless. He was also helping her find a job by refining her CV and going over some concepts and I didn't want to take away that either. She needed help (which I offered also; I offered to be her friend too) and he was helping her (Eventually she got a job to which a friend said to him, "Your girlfriend is finally socially acceptable").

So yes, I let him be her friend. Also because I didn't know what insecurity felt like and I don't like dictating people's actions. And if he really understood his actions, I wouldn't need to tell him what to do. But then we couldn't sustain our relationship and we finally moved away from each other and I left the country. And that was the best decision I made that year. The Singapore trip was a trip that changed everything. That deserves a different post altogether.

What did I learn at this point? I learnt what fear feels like. I learnt that I have immense tolerance. And what I have more than anything is Faith. Even through all the episode with that girl, I kept praying to God that he should finally come around, that he should find that strength in him to stop making the same mistakes and put his foot down when he starts feeling weak. I kept asking myself if I made an error in judging his character and my instincts say no. And I trust my instincts more that anything in this world.

I came back a month later and found out he was dating her. Yes it was a struggle everyday to walk into office and see him and not talk to him. He was my talk-to-person for career related things and on many occasions I almost walked up to him to talk about his views on what I did. Since I came back I had two breakdowns but slowly I got a grip on myself. And this is when I learnt that I'm a strong girl, much stronger than I give myself credit for. Believing in Karma also helps. A few guys happened during this time and this was my testing period. I didn't follow the path of rebound and have flings with any guy who came to me. I'm proud that I kept my values intact and stayed true to myself. My biggest win in this.Believing in Karma helps here too! Our mutual friend recently told me when she was moving to Delhi that he should apologize to me. No he shouldn't. One should apologize only when they believe they have gone against their values and when their conscience says they have been wrong. Otherwise, it doesn't mean a thing. And what did he do? Just what every regular guy does. I'm the one who should apologize to me. After all, I was the one who let this happen to me.

Anyway, till date, barring a couple of occasions, I have never spoken ill of her. Even today when I go to the temple every morning and after my dance classes, I pray that he's happy with whoever he is and most importantly, he be the best he can be at all times. If being with her makes him so, then so be it. If not, it's time you gave him that strength. So closing this post with something I read and say to myself every time I hear or think about him and her and one of my most important lessons-

माँ हिम्स्यत सर्व भूटानी: never commit violence to anyone | The Bhagavad Gita

Sunayana Sen

“It takes only one person to change your life...you”

Earlier last week I completed the first year of my career. Now I'm one year old in the corporate world! I still remember 25th April 2011 clearly, right from the moment I got into the cab to the moment I came back home and narrated to Ma the wonderful first day that I had. And what a day it was! Heck, what a year its been! This one year is by far the best year I've had. Do I wish to repeat this year? No. Do I wish to re-do it differently? No.

On my Faceversary my colleague asked me "Define this one year in one word and take everything into account". My answer? "Self-discovery".  I invite you to join this discovery as I recap this year and learn about life in this series of blogs.

They welcomed us with bouquets! This is my batch & some older employees on 25th April 2011 

“It takes only one person to change your life...you” -Ruth Casey

Sunayana Sen