Oh So Skinny

There's a song called "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor that I initially really enjoyed. When I heard it for the first time, I didn't quite pay attention to the lyrics nor had I watched the video. So I enjoyed listening to it for many weeks after that. Then I finally saw the video & actually heard the lyrics. Since then there's an odd feeling I get when I listen to it. I still enjoy the tune & the overall feel of the song but the message disturbs me. Because the message of the song is quite paradoxical & it hits close to home. On the one hand it says you are perfect the way you are so don't worry about your size; on the other hand it says boys like more booty to hold at night. So... you're perfect if you have more booty since that's what boys prefer? WHAT???!?! Great. Now you're giving a reason for skinny people to feel inadequate & undesirable. 

This is what brought on an important inner discussion for me. This made me think long & hard about my feelings & I realized that this is one of those rare sensitive topics that make me feel low about myself. I'm going to turn 24 years old in a month & I still haven't settled on my opinion about my body. This is also one of the most difficult blog posts I've written.

I keep going through phases when sometimes I'm comfortable in my skin & sometimes I'm not. When I was in my early teenage years, I never felt this uncertainty; I was more than comfortable in my body. I didn't even notice that girls around me were growing boobs & I wasn't. Was it because I was in a girls' school? But even when I moved to a co-ed, I didn't feel inadequate. This began during my college life. It started with aunties & uncles commenting on how skinny I am.

Here are some of the comments I hear on a regular basis & my response to them (which is restricted to my inner voice):

"Eat something" - No thank you, I'll live without eating. Unlike your body, I have a mutant body that can survive without this basic necessity called food.

"Your parents don't give you food?" - No they don't. They're too busy giving me a better life than they had. Please call child services. 

"Come & stay with us for a month & you'll become fine" - Oh so you're one of those miracle workers? Like Baba Ramdev? Hmm, what's your strategy? Does this come with a money back guarantee?

"Take some meat from my body & put it on yours" - Cool. How about you go get a medical degree first & then invent this process. 

Putting their hand around my leg/wrist & saying "Look at those legs- so skinny! Your legs are the size of my arms!" - Good. Now I'll go replace the talking monkey in the street circus so people can come watch me & be amused.

"You're pretty, but you'll be prettier if you put on some weight" - Umm....Thank you....?

"The wind will blow you away!" - And you'll melt humanity with your stupidity! 

There's a BuzzFeed article that pretty much sums up my entire social life while throwing a little humor into this sad situation. 

Most people over a certain age believe it's their right to comment on my figure. Not only comment about how skinny I am but also assume that it's because I don't eat & give unsolicited advice about it. It’s actually quite ironic because most of these people are on the unhealthily fat side. If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it. If I thought you were competent enough or an expert in the field & that I needed help, I would have certainly asked for it. But no, you're not an expert. You're fat & that's not a qualification!

Let’s talk about implicit social rules here for a bit. Why is it okay to call me 'skinny' at your free will but it's offensive if I call someone 'fat'? Why? Oh wait, I've been told that the acceptable word is 'Voluptuous'. You know, like how you can't call a deaf person deaf since the acceptable term is 'Hearing Impaired'. Okay. Is there an "acceptable" word for 'skinny' then that I haven’t heard of?

Dude, you know nothing about my medical history or genetic background so with what confidence are you assuming that I’m skinny because I want to be skinny? I have always been skinny. I was born underweight & I always have been. It's not like I was given a choice & I chose to be skinny. I eat fine. It's true that I'm not a big eater but I am neither bulimic nor do I skip meals. I'm just naturally skinny; plain & simple. Being skinny is in my genetic structure. You know how I know this? Because multiple doctors have said so! My Mother was 40 kgs when she got married. She, like me, was always skinny. She, like me, was a sportswoman. In fact she was better than me. She represented India in Basketball, played cricket for the state & was an athlete throughout her school life, college life & early career. She was skinny but she was fit. If she wasn't fit, I doubt she would've had such an incredible sports career. Similarly, my Father was quite skinny. He was in the Indian Air Force for 15 years & I'm sure you know how much importance is given to fitness when you're in National Defence. My brother is quite skinny too but he also is a damn good sportsman. My parents are in their late fifties now but they still look like they're in their forties. That's how fit they are despite their 'figures' & 'weights'. I highly doubt that these ‘voluptuous’ people who give us unsolicited ‘health’ advice can move at the speed & with the endurance that we can.

Listen, just like how you would argue that being 'large' is not necessarily unhealthy, being 'skinny' is also not the same as being unhealthy. You don't know the next person's medical history or genetic background or even just what their life has been so far & that means you don't know enough to say whether someone's trying to be size 0 or is unhealthy. Also, I think at the age of 24 I know enough about my body to have tried various things & identified what has resulted in success & what in failure (I'm looking at you Aunties who keep saying I should try XYZ protein shakes).

There’s a beautiful blog post titled “OMG do you eat?” written by Rebecca Judd- a model, speech pathologist, mother &  wife- on her being the target of “Skinny Shaming” by a famous daily. It neatly sums up my issues with this. Seriously, why can't the message be ‘"Be healthy" & be healthy because you deserve it’? Why does it have to be ‘"Be skinny" or "Be fat" because boys want it?’ Why does Meghan Trainor have to sing about the time when her Momma told her that boys like a little more booty at night so throw that damn Barbie away?! Her Momma should have told her to get her act together. 

I’ll tell you what ‘skinny shaming’ does, what I let happen to me.

There was a brief period when I started to withdraw from social interactions. I would refuse to go to parties with my parents because I knew I would have to face 'skinny shaming' without lashing out. I just didn't have the patience to deal with that. I also stopped dancing & performing on stage because I looked really skinny compared to all the other dancers/performers in the group. I got extremely conscious about going on stage & having the spotlight on me. I started imagining that everybody's eyes were on me & they were whispering how skinny & ugly I am. So I just stopped doing the thing I did since I was three years old- dancing. I gave up dance for a while & with it whatever little grace I had. (Eventually I went back to dancing; I took up Kathak & that brought back some amount of grace & inner beauty that I needed.)

I see all these Instagram photos & blogs which women of my age post about their bodies & I'm simply amazed. How do they have so much confidence in their bare skin to post a beautiful picture of their body? I'm too conscious to even pose for a photo fully clothed & here are everyday women of my age sharing pictures of their bodies.   

I've never been one to wear skimpy clothes in public such as tube tops, hot pants, mini-skirts, corsets, etc., not because I know I don't have the body for it but mostly because I want to avoid 'skinny shaming’. (And also because I never find any of these in my size.) As it is shopping for my size in India is impossible since very rarely do I find clothes of my size. On top of that every time I have to dress up to go out, I spend a considerable amount of time wondering which piece of clothing would make me look less skinny. Even for my hairstyle I go through the same decision making process.

Let's talk about guys' behaviour towards my figure for a bit now. You'd imagine that I would feel inadequate because men don't find me pretty since I'm too skinny. But no, that couldn't be further from the truth. Except uncles & their fathers, not many men have commented on my 'skinny' figure. It's mostly been from women & media. And what is this BS about men like ‘Real Women’? What makes ‘voluptuous’ women “real” and not me? So I guess that the time when my Mother was bedridden for a week & I spent 2.5 hrs everyday cooking for the whole family of 6- breakfast, lunch & dinner- I wasn’t being a real woman since I don’t have any curves. Okay awesome.

I have become so conscious about my body now that I don't believe a man when he says he finds me hot or beautiful. My mind just blocks it out. My immediate thoughts are “maybe he says that to every girl” or “maybe he’s just saying that to get into my skirt” or “maybe he’s a loser & thinks I’m easy”. As you can imagine, this is one of the big factors that is affecting my love life.

But in the spirit of being honest I have to admit that this year has not been good for me health-wise. I had my first ever operation this year & fell ill a few times before & after that. Most of the issues though were brought on by mental stress. See there's another thing- Mental health is as important, if not more, as physical health. When I realized that my job was killing me I decided to take a break to focus on my health. It's been a month & even though my focus is split between my health & preparing for the GMAT, I've done a good job w.r.t getting my health back on track. You know how I know this? Because I can feel it from within even though it hasn't resulted in a bigger booty. More on this in another post.

So like I said, I don’t work towards being skinny. Yes, I’d like to have bigger boobs so I can shop for bras easily, and have a bigger behind so I can finally fill out my damn jeans. But it’s not a choice that I’m given. Having said that, if I were given a choice between only skinny & fat, I would choose skinny. You see, pardon me, but if we get onto a race track, I bet it would be my ‘skinny’ legs that would defeat your 'voluptuous' backside. Now that much I'm confident about.

Here's something for the skinny guys too :)

STOP SKINNY SHAMING & FAT SHAMING!

The Big Indian Talk On Sex Between Me & My Daughter

As you grow and understand the world a little better, I think all of us have those fleeting thoughts about what kind of parents we want to be. The first thought on this subject usually is "I will not do that to my child", and then in your twenties it becomes, "This is something I want to do with my child". I want to be a mother some day and this is something I've known for sometime now and occasionally I allow myself to indulge in thoughts about how I want to raise my children. One of these thoughts is about the all important conversation around sex.

As an Indian girl I've received the talk on "Why I shouldn't get pregnant before marriage", as I'm sure many Indian girls have. (It bothers me that my brother has never received the version for boys, i.e., "Why you should not get a girl pregnant before marriage".) It's a warped way of talking about sex in India. You know they don't say it outright so this is a way around having to actually say "sex". Anyway, the reason I shouldn't get pregnant before my marriage, as per my mother is, because what will my dad tell people? What will be our social standing then? My dad will be so devastated that he may just end his life. I'm sure these reasons are important to them and it may stem from some past primary and/or secondary experiences. Now I will in turn tell my daughter (I hope I'm lucky enough to have one) that she shouldn't be an unmarried mother. But my method will be slightly different. 

Here's a conversation I hope to have with my daughter one day when she's 18 years old:

"As difficult as it is to think of you as an adult, I have to accept the fact that you are independent and can make sound decisions on your own now. Including decisions about sex. However, as someone who wishes the best for you and is wiser than you, I want to give you some advice.

Be safe. First and foremost, be safe. Your safety is not something you should ever compromise. Not even if you're madly in love with him/her. Health is your everything. Do not ever think otherwise.

Make sure you know why you're doing it with this person. The first time is special. Not so much because it's with someone you love; it rarely is. It's special because this is the first time you're letting someone get so so very close to you and it's intimidating to share this intimate moment with someone. Some girls regret how their first time went while some don't. Make sure you are in the latter group. I don't want you to feel like you have to do it to please someone else. Do it only because you want to. I don't want you to feel pressured into doing anything sexual that you're not comfortable with. Stand up to the person and say NO. It's okay to say NO to the person you think you love. Just be aware of yourself, your desires, your reservations, and your feelings for the other person. 

Don't get pregnant while you're still figuring out life. You're not emotionally there yet to raise a child. Being a mother is difficult. It's beautiful but comes with immense responsibility. You will be responsible for another human being's safety, education, health, character, existence. At this point in your life, you yourself have not fully taken responsibility of yourself. You're financially not in a position to support someone else and having kids is expensive. You have to be financially secure to feel that you can raise a child well. When you're in college or have just graduated, you're earnings are minimum. You can't do justice to yourself or your child. Soon you'll find yourself working multiple jobs just to put food on the table and a roof over your heads. As if being a mother wasn't exhausting enough. Some women who become mothers while they are teenagers go through a phase when they wonder what would have happened if they didn't get pregnant and pursued their career instead. I NEVER want you to wonder about an alternate scenario where you aren't a mother. Take time to build your career; you need it. And you will see that by showing your kids your passion for your career you are teaching them a valuable life lesson. Your grandparents worked very hard for a very long time to go from having nothing to having a lot just so that that my brother and I would feel empowered to dream big. Ensure that you give your child the best of yourself. And you can do that only when you become the best that you can be. 

The other thing about getting pregnant at a young age is the horrible decision you have to make between giving birth and abortion. I think a part of me will die if my daughter had to decide between life and death for her child. 

So that's why I don't want you to get pregnant while you're still so young.

Live life to the fullest and in a way that you will not regret later. At every point ask yourself if this is something you absolutely want to do and if you will be happier after that. Be safe and remember that your parents will always be by your side when you need us. Unless you murdered someone."

Week 5 #52weekchallenge

Have not been able to do this challenge regularly since there's way too much going on with me lately. But hope to get this rolling again. For week 5 I only got around to doing a cooking project and this week I cooked Korean Style Chicken Legs! 

Korean Style Chicken Legs

My mum wasn't in town when I made this so I didn't get any constructive feedback. However, my brother devoured three chicken legs in five minutes flat! And because he's such a picky eater I take this as extremely positive feedback. On the flip side, I think he may have been very hungry by the time I served him dinner.

“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” -Jean de La Fontaine

In my previous posts about my self-discovery in career and love I spoke of a trip that I took to Singapore. It was the most important trip of my life and I could live it a million times. 

At Marina Bay Sands Singapore

I was heart broken, ready to quit my job, ready to just curl up under a blanket and sleep for the rest of my life. I couldn't envision a future for myself, constantly questioned my past and I certainly didn't know how to deal with the present. The only thing my gut told me was leave. And I went to Singapore. I promised myself that I would not get on to Facebook or chat with anybody from back home while I was there because I needed every bit of space to get back on my feet.

My days in Singapore were the most empty days that I ever had. I would wake up post noon, have lunch for over an hour while watching TV, then I would take a nap, wake up and shower and then go explore the city. Usually I'm a very organized person when it comes to travel; I research about the tourist attractions, the things to do, the history of the place, the costs for each of them and make an extensive itinerary. This time I hadn't done any research and didn't have any itinerary. Which was kind of liberating. I was free to go where I wanted with a blank mind. I went to the Marina Bay Sands, visited the casino there (my first casino experience ever!), chilled at the Sentosa beach at 10 pm, drank at the East Coast Park beach until 6 am and watched the sun rise, went to a dance bar (my first experience with this too!), tried different cuisines- all of which I have never done in India and probably won't ever get to do.

My most memorable experience was the day that I spent on Sentosa Island by myself. One afternoon I just took off to the island with nothing except money, phone and camera. For the longest time I sat at the beach cafe where I had stopped to eat a hot dog. I just sat there doing nothing but watching the water. Water brings a certain sense of calm to me and I was there soaking it all in without interruption. I watched people enjoying the water too and just being with their loved ones. That evening was the best I had had.

You know, when you have space around you, you should really use it. I was forced out of a future I held very dear to me but then I asked myself, was this who my parents raised? I couldn't just give up without a fight. I refused to disappoint myself. And that's when my upward climb began. As my day to leave Singapore came close, I had to pick up the pieces and make it into something. But I couldn't think of anything. So I decided to take life one day at a time just like did in Singapore. No thinking about the future became my mantra. Six months was the time I gave myself do something before I pack up and leave my hometown. I gave these six months my all- days, nights, sweat, blood, brains, focus, tears. I taught myself coding, I learned to play the drums, I taught children English and to build kaleidoscopes, and best of all, I started learning Kathak. I drowned myself in all this because I didn't know what to do. And it paid off in many ways. At work I earned respect and got promoted; At the school I felt good about the love I was getting from children; At dance I re-built my feminine-ness. Ofcourse for the first couple of months I was still an emotional wreck but slowly I started loving myself again the way I never did before.

This day last year I was in Singapore with a blank mind. Today I am here being the best I can be.

Be the best you can be. -Sunayana Sen

Sunayana Sen



You can live my travels through my Facebook album- Travelogue 

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" -Dalai Lama

When I was in college studying management, I was predicted to be one of the most successful persons in our batch. I certainly was on the way to becoming it. I participated in organizations and events in and outside college and felt superb about it. One day when I was showing my American friend around the city she asked me if my ambition is to work in one of these corporates and I said, "No, I have bigger ambitions". Then I got a highly coveted job with one of the world's best employers and I started working in one of those buildings. 

Inside Raheja Mindspace, Hitech City, Hyderabad

So let’s go back two years. When my final year began and I was enrolling for placements, I took a systematic path to it. I sat with my uncle who’s a career counselor and drew a timeline. He asked “Where do you see yourself at 30?” and I said, “I’m running my own business.” And then back-tracked from there, put down where I see myself at 27 yrs, at 25 yrs, at 23 yrs, and so forth. I took it a little further and told myself where I saw myself at 50 yrs!

Now a year later I was at my first employer. Since our office culture doesn't take very kindly to formal wear I put all those new, tailor-made formal pants and skirts in the back of my cupboard and brought out all my casuals. The first day I entered office I was ready to take on the world. I was ready to be one of the most successful people of my batch. I knew that I studied in an average college and even though I was one of the best students, I was still an average person. The point is, I was average and I knew it. So I gave myself some time to soak in the changes, understand the mentality and get into that groove. It’s human nature to take some time to adapt. And then I made the biggest mistake.

I told myself that I wasn’t as smart as everybody else.

Trust me when I say that it’s the worst mistake one can ever make. Nobody’s words hit you as hard as your own. So because I wasn’t as smart as others I wouldn’t actively participate in discussions, just be a passive observer. The irony is that one of my top five strengths is ‘Command’. Add my personal problems to this and you get a mess.       

Months went by and in December I was dying. My mind was blank. I couldn’t concentrate on work; I couldn’t understand anything. I was dying to just get away and I decided to go to Singapore. My company was kind enough to give me that time off and Singapore changed it all. After ten days in Singapore I said to myself, “I can’t leave like this. I didn’t work hard in college to leave things mid-way. I will go back and I will give myself six months. I have to go a step further in the next six months.” So I came back and threw myself into work. And the three things I’ve lived by since January are a Constantly ticking internal clock, Gain knowledge and expertise and Do. Everyday I would go work with a sense of urgency telling myself that I don’t have much time left. On my calendars at home and work everyday I strike out the date at the end of the day to reinforce the time limitation. I placed a white board next to me, on outlook started noting down what I do everyday, wrote down important points on post-its and sticking them on my monitor. My work became my competition and my escape so much so that there were times I left office only around midnight to come back at 7 am the next morning. And my favorite part was acquiring new skills. Since I came back, coding and excel have become my pet. Figuring out logic became my drug. Soon you will a Facebook app made by me!

I’ve learnt to make my manager my confidant and it’s worked out pretty well. After three months when I asked her if I’ve moved forward since December, she said I’ve had exponential growth J. I went home and cried that evening! Now I have another three months left and a new problem at hand- I don’t know where I want to go after these three months. Ah well, I’ll deal with it as it comes.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunayana Sen

"A man's errors are his portals of discovery." James Joyce

I had expected my life to be relatively smooth like the blue line in this graph. However, the red line with the spikes and drops is more like how my life was in the past year.

In my previous blog post I invited all my readers to watch this discovery through a series of blog posts and I'm going to do this in three parts. Let's start with the event that set off an avalanche of changes.

When I left college I promised myself that the next relationship I would be in would be my final, my forever after so I would have to choose very carefully and be absolutely sure before I got into it. Yeah, so it didn't happen that way. On May 16th, by the pool at Novotel after work he asked me, "Sunayana, will you go out with me? Please say yes or I will jump into this ditch!" And I said yes. What made me say yes? He's bengalee, he's good looking (Apparently, only his girlfriends think so), he doesn't smoke, he's hard working and he likes me; everything I wanted in my life partner. Besides, how can I say that some guy will be my forever after if I don't give it a try? I'm not going to fall in love in just one day; I'm going to have to spend some time building a relationship. So I said yes. What did I learn at this point? Don't be too rigid. Give it a shot, take that risk.

Days went by and we said our I love you's. His first gift to me was a beautiful pair of silver earrings which I NEVER took off. It made me feel complete. His next gift- a traditional gold ring from his hometown. Needless to say, I NEVER took it off. I introduced him to my parents and Baba's first words were, "I'm very happy you chose a bengalee boy." I got him home, Ma cooked for him, parents chatted with him, his parents asked about me everyday, kept asking him sharp questions to see whether he really loved me, he introduced me to his didi, he asked me if I would marry him; basically all was good. What did I learn at this point? I learned that I have a lot of love to give and I can be somebody's rock through thick and thin. And you know what, I loved that feeling.

Then five months later he told me he kissed another girl.

When I was learning how to swim my coach would take off my tube and fling me into the water and I would frantically kick my arms and legs just to stay at the surface. Know that feeling? Yeah that was what I felt when I heard this. It took me seven days of a roller coaster ride of emotions to finally be happy for him that he found someone who could make him smile. It was the start of Durga Puja then and I vividly remember standing in front of the new idol and praying for the first time in many years (I was an atheist for a few years). I started believing in God that day. I said, "If she is who makes him smile, I'm happy for him. His smile brings me peace and I always want to see him smile." And that's a prayer I've said everyday since. The next day he came back to me. I weighed everything and made a conscious decision to give it another shot. This point onward began my self-discovery.

So he came back from his vacation, we got back together, mutual friends gave him loads of shit about what he did and I remained his rock. Did I forbid him from talking to this girl? No. People told me that was my biggest mistake. At that point it didn't seem like it. At this point also it doesn't seem like it. I did the right thing. Why?

"Try not to be a man of success, but a man of value."
Albert Einstein 

So I have to tell you about this girl for you to understand why. This girl is known to be a dumb s**t. She slept with/made out with a couple other colleagues and others and is known to be "too dumb to even make fun of". She had two friends in this city both of whom are my colleagues and they abandoned her. Not only abandoned, but proactively cold-shouldered her too. My entire work circle (her only social circle at this point) was being a bitch to her. She had no friends. She wasn't getting a job either. Everywhere she tried, she got rejected. She's jobless. (Yet she had the time & heart to go partying everyday) He was the only friend she had. Oh and she lives four buildings away from mine. Now what did I think of her? Until this point I hadn't heard anything about her from him other than "she's pretty". The only thing I thought about her was that she has very low respect for herself and others. I strongly believe that someone who would agree to be the other woman, kiss another woman's man knowing that he's taken and entertains a man's infidelity has zero self respect. And this goes for men too. But other than this, I didn't judge her to be a "dumb s**t". I also believe that there are some people who you connect with who you show your genuine self to and there are others who see only a part of you and judge you. I thought maybe he was the friend she connected with. Now one thing this experience taught me is that genuine friendship can be your oxygen. I didn't want to take away her only friend from her. Not even the devil deserves to be friendless. He was also helping her find a job by refining her CV and going over some concepts and I didn't want to take away that either. She needed help (which I offered also; I offered to be her friend too) and he was helping her (Eventually she got a job to which a friend said to him, "Your girlfriend is finally socially acceptable").

So yes, I let him be her friend. Also because I didn't know what insecurity felt like and I don't like dictating people's actions. And if he really understood his actions, I wouldn't need to tell him what to do. But then we couldn't sustain our relationship and we finally moved away from each other and I left the country. And that was the best decision I made that year. The Singapore trip was a trip that changed everything. That deserves a different post altogether.

What did I learn at this point? I learnt what fear feels like. I learnt that I have immense tolerance. And what I have more than anything is Faith. Even through all the episode with that girl, I kept praying to God that he should finally come around, that he should find that strength in him to stop making the same mistakes and put his foot down when he starts feeling weak. I kept asking myself if I made an error in judging his character and my instincts say no. And I trust my instincts more that anything in this world.

I came back a month later and found out he was dating her. Yes it was a struggle everyday to walk into office and see him and not talk to him. He was my talk-to-person for career related things and on many occasions I almost walked up to him to talk about his views on what I did. Since I came back I had two breakdowns but slowly I got a grip on myself. And this is when I learnt that I'm a strong girl, much stronger than I give myself credit for. Believing in Karma also helps. A few guys happened during this time and this was my testing period. I didn't follow the path of rebound and have flings with any guy who came to me. I'm proud that I kept my values intact and stayed true to myself. My biggest win in this.Believing in Karma helps here too! Our mutual friend recently told me when she was moving to Delhi that he should apologize to me. No he shouldn't. One should apologize only when they believe they have gone against their values and when their conscience says they have been wrong. Otherwise, it doesn't mean a thing. And what did he do? Just what every regular guy does. I'm the one who should apologize to me. After all, I was the one who let this happen to me.

Anyway, till date, barring a couple of occasions, I have never spoken ill of her. Even today when I go to the temple every morning and after my dance classes, I pray that he's happy with whoever he is and most importantly, he be the best he can be at all times. If being with her makes him so, then so be it. If not, it's time you gave him that strength. So closing this post with something I read and say to myself every time I hear or think about him and her and one of my most important lessons-

माँ हिम्स्यत सर्व भूटानी: never commit violence to anyone | The Bhagavad Gita

Sunayana Sen

“It takes only one person to change your life...you”

Earlier last week I completed the first year of my career. Now I'm one year old in the corporate world! I still remember 25th April 2011 clearly, right from the moment I got into the cab to the moment I came back home and narrated to Ma the wonderful first day that I had. And what a day it was! Heck, what a year its been! This one year is by far the best year I've had. Do I wish to repeat this year? No. Do I wish to re-do it differently? No.

On my Faceversary my colleague asked me "Define this one year in one word and take everything into account". My answer? "Self-discovery".  I invite you to join this discovery as I recap this year and learn about life in this series of blogs.

They welcomed us with bouquets! This is my batch & some older employees on 25th April 2011 

“It takes only one person to change your life...you” -Ruth Casey

Sunayana Sen 

A day celebrated, A day cursed

How should I have celebrated my 21^st? They say your 21^st birthday is the last milestone you should celebrate before your 40th. Like you throw parties when you turn sweet 16, adult 18 & legal 21. I remember how I spent the evening howling on my 19^th birthday because I was fearful of the responsibilities in the future. But then it’s my 21^st! You’re supposed to get wasted on this day because you’re legally allowed to drink; hell I got my best friend wasted on her 21^st! I had all the intentions to throw a massive weekend party for about 60 friends. But then two weeks before the day I was looking at the guest list & thought to myself, “It’s a big day for me and I want all my friends there because I know they love me and care for me. But half of the ‘friends’ on the list didn’t care for me, didn’t stand by me when they should’ve, didn’t stop any wrong happening to me, weren’t moved by my tears, nothing at all. Why should I then have them around me on my special day?”

That was the day I decided I wanted a special 21^st only with those who love me.

I’m in a phase where I’m disturbed, emotionally tired, disoriented in my brain & can’t make any decisions. I need a break. From everything. I decided to go to Coimbatore to my aunt’s villa that is in the outskirts of the town surrounded by mountains and nothing else. I wanted a change in environment, wanted peace, solitude, to be away from people. My aunt is a Reiki master and every time she’s around there’s just this peaceful energy. And I was craving for that. So with that thought, I was off to Coimbatore. But then lately God is enjoying this game of throwing random situations at me at the last moment and so instead of going to Coimbatore, I went to Chennai.

I love the beach. I love the sun, warmth, sand, water and wind. On 25^th that’s what we did. We went to a private beach of the Radisson, which was outside town and just walked there for a bit. And I loved it. It was perfect. I saw the sun setting over the water; saw the sky go from light to dark. I wore a pink beach-y dress and even though my late Didima’s (maternal grandmother) gold watch didn’t go with the dress, I still wore it. I know she’s around when I wear the watch and I feel stronger and protected. I took my Didima with me and walked along the shore with her.

I visited God before the beach to say hi and take his blessings- another thing that was top in the agenda. My evening ended with a fantastic dinner at the Radisson Temple Bay, two surprise cakes and a whole bunch of gifts from my aunt! Towards the end of the day I was thanking all those who wished me on Facebook and some of them seemed so genuine like they really wanted the best year for me. 21 years of experiences, memories, gains, losses, relationships, decisions, travel, purchases, status messages, photos, tags and a whole lot more. I will spend tomorrow counting the blessings I got this year and make each of them count in my 22^nd year.

That’s my gift to myself.   

Sunayana Sen

A Puzzle Ball

Ma & I made a puzzle ball today when the rest of the household was asleep. We had bought it yesterday for my birthday. I was really fascinated to think that I could place it on my office desk, you know, like a snow globe. So we started putting this together and boy, was it difficult! A simple flat puzzle is easy to make, but a round one is hard as hell. While I was making it, I was excited initially, then I started getting a little frustrated because I wasn't able to put the right pieces together. As I started getting more frustrated, I started applying more pressure thereby breaking what I had already put together. At points I wanted to give up but then I said to myself "I bought it because I wanted to place something beautiful on my desk" and so I kept going. And I was doing this on my 21st birthday. While listening to Christmas carols.

I then realized that my relationship was just like that. When I said yes, I said it because I wanted it to grow into something beautiful. In the beginning it was exciting & we kept going. When frustration started setting in because we weren't able to put the right pieces together, we started applying pressure at those points where we thought it was required just to realize that other pieces fell apart. Then more frustration started setting in. Patience, soft touch, determination is required to make the puzzle ball. Even after we finished, there still were some rough points; some pieces didn't even set properly. But then nothing is ever perfect.

Even after it's done, all pieces fit together perfectly, it still looks wrong, then it's because the pieces were from different puzzles.

Sunayana Sen    

Utopia

Are you ever good enough? No matter how close to perfect you may be, it's still never good enough na. There is always something, somewhere that's missing & often it's that something that is the basis of someone's choice. What if there was Utopia? Would there even be something missing? Why don't we have Utopia? I just don't get why, when we're tired of mistakes & wrongs, don't we have Utopia? You would think that when you reach a point when you don't want to make mistakes, or be sad, or hate someone & be hated, or fall in love & lose it, you would get together with others like you and create Utopia. I mean, isn't it simply logical?

I know someone who's always been strong & independent; ever since childhood fought her own battles & wiped her own tears, who stayed strong & practical through tough times even when all odds were against her. But is there a limit till which she can be that? Doesn't she want to give up & escape after a point just for a little while? Isn't she entitled to it? She's the kind who drips of loyalty, the kind who can never wish ill for somebody no matter how bad that person has been to her, the kind who gives people direction in life, the kind who's sure of herself, the kind who's principles never waver, the kind who doesn't deserve to be worthless. But then that's what she is. What if she was in Utopia? She wouldn't be worthless na? She would deserve the equivalent of her strength. But then I just thought of the irony- if she deserves the equivalent of her strength, the hardship she's been through is so rough to match her strength. Am I right? I wonder that if she just wants a change & leaves something because she's drained of her strength, will she be looked down upon? Will people call her weak? But she's been so strong her entire life; will that be overridden if she escapes once?

Is escapism bad? Does that indicate a weak personality? Is it addictive like a drug? This wouldn't even be necessary if there was Utopia. If someone's fighting for a parliament bill to clean up a vicious system, I think we should go all the way and create Utopia. That's the key to it all. That's the one thing we can never have.

One half a step too late or too early and you dont quite make it,

One half second too slow, too fast, you dont quite catch it.

The inches we need are everywhere around us.

They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch.

On this team we tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces for that inch.

Claw with our fingernails for that inch.

Because we know when we add up all those inches, that's gonna make the f***ing difference between winnin & losing, between living and dying.    

-Al Pacino, Any Given Sunday

Sunayana Sen

Inch-by-Inch

This is one of my favorite speeches EVER! In the most difficult times, this is what I listen too. So far it's this that keeps me going. 

From the movie- 'Any Given Sunday' starring Al Pacino.

I don't know what to say really; three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives......all comes down to today.

Either we heal as a team or we're gonna crumble; inch by inch, play by play 'till we're finished.

We're in hell right now gentlemen, believe me. 

And we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, or...we can fight our way back, into the light. We can climb out of hell.

One inch at a time.

Now I can't do it for you, i'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think..... I mean I made every wrong choice a middle aged man can make.

I pissed away all my money, believe it or not.

I chased off anyone who's ever loved me.

And lately I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know....when you get old in life, things get taken from you....that's part of life.

But you only learn that.....when you start losing stuff.

You find out life's a game of inches.

So is football.

Because in either game- life or football- the margin for error is so small...I mean....

One half a step too late or too early and you dont quite make it,

One half second too slow, too fast, you dont quite catch it.

The inches we need are everywhere around us.

They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch.

On this team we tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces for that inch.

Claw with our fingernails for that inch.

Because we know when we add up all those inches, thats gonna make the f***ing difference between winnin & losing,

between living and dying.

i'll tell you this......

In any fight it's the guy who's willing to die who's gonna win that inch.

And I know that if i'm gonna have any life anymore it's because im still willing to fight & die for that inch.

Because that's what living is. The 6 inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it.

You gotta look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think you're gonna see a guy who'll go that inch with you.....

You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes to it, you're gonna do the same for him.

That's a team gentlemen.

And either we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals.

That's football guys. That's all it is.

Now.....what are you gonna do?

Sunayana Sen

A caterpillar's transformation into a Butterfly

There was a time when I couldn't wait to grow up, which at that time meant- start working in a really cool Company, shop with my own money, lalala and basically, 'Get a Life'! But TODAY........it feels like age has caught up on me unaware. I mean, ya sure I was aware of my increasing age, thanks to my Birthday parties! And until my 18th, it seemed like I was on the right track. But my 19th!!!! Sheesh!!! The panic attacks that I suffered! :O


A month before 25th December 2009, I felt a sudden rush of emotions, particularly fear. Not just fear, but also anxiety, craziness, weakness & similar emotions, yet they were unknown. I couldn't point at exactly what was the root cause of this state that I was in & that's what made it worse. Then I came up with a hundred reasons for the same! I almost went into depression....Heck, I did go into depression!!


The eve of 25th December 2009. I remember being absolutely pissed off. I DIDN'T WANT A PARTY!! WHY didn't my parents get that!!! I didn't have a b'day dress. The State was in the middle of a bandh. The attention I was entitled to on MY day, was being shared by something I once loved. My extended Family was arriving on my b'day (and trust me, they're crazy!) So all in all, I was dreading the D-day! (And then in a moment of craziness, I switched off my phone. Figured that the people who wanted to reach me, would find a way to....)



D-day!! So phone's been off for about 16 hours now. Been sound asleep for about 6 hours now. And then I wake up & the month- old anxiety hits me in my gut, and it hit hard! Shit.....I was a year older now. Finally I entered the world of 20s! Wow. So the rest of the day was pretty miserable. Had a strange craving for alcohol for some weird reason. Anyway, so the day's finally over. Thank God!


After D-day. The day after my Birthday was just as bad. The realization of growing a year older was driving me nuts. And then it dawned upon me.....


If I was growing older, so was everything around me. If I was going to enter the 'real world', so were my classmates & everyone else. If I was going to live........I might as well enjoy it! Maybe I had been looking at it the wrong way all this time. It really wasn't so much about growing old, it was more about 'growing up'. Ironic, isn't it. 1 second you & your siblings are playing on the merry-go-round. And the next, you're waving good- bye at the International Airplane that just took off with your sister in it. Or maybe 1 second you, your siblings & friends are playing 'house' in the balcony, and the next second, you're dressing up your sister on her Wedding day......There's an odd sense of satisfaction when you hold your Sister's baby in your arms.......

All I wanted was to hold on to everything that I knew so well....just that, my grasp wasn't strong enough. I wanted to enter the 'real world' holding the hand of the past. Only when growing up will you realize that unless you let go of old stuff, there's no room for the new.....If I was going to transform into a Butterfly, I would first have to come out of my cocoon.

That's when it hit me....... I'm finally growing up! :)