The Big Indian Talk On Sex Between Me & My Daughter

As you grow and understand the world a little better, I think all of us have those fleeting thoughts about what kind of parents we want to be. The first thought on this subject usually is "I will not do that to my child", and then in your twenties it becomes, "This is something I want to do with my child". I want to be a mother some day and this is something I've known for sometime now and occasionally I allow myself to indulge in thoughts about how I want to raise my children. One of these thoughts is about the all important conversation around sex.

As an Indian girl I've received the talk on "Why I shouldn't get pregnant before marriage", as I'm sure many Indian girls have. (It bothers me that my brother has never received the version for boys, i.e., "Why you should not get a girl pregnant before marriage".) It's a warped way of talking about sex in India. You know they don't say it outright so this is a way around having to actually say "sex". Anyway, the reason I shouldn't get pregnant before my marriage, as per my mother is, because what will my dad tell people? What will be our social standing then? My dad will be so devastated that he may just end his life. I'm sure these reasons are important to them and it may stem from some past primary and/or secondary experiences. Now I will in turn tell my daughter (I hope I'm lucky enough to have one) that she shouldn't be an unmarried mother. But my method will be slightly different. 

Here's a conversation I hope to have with my daughter one day when she's 18 years old:

"As difficult as it is to think of you as an adult, I have to accept the fact that you are independent and can make sound decisions on your own now. Including decisions about sex. However, as someone who wishes the best for you and is wiser than you, I want to give you some advice.

Be safe. First and foremost, be safe. Your safety is not something you should ever compromise. Not even if you're madly in love with him/her. Health is your everything. Do not ever think otherwise.

Make sure you know why you're doing it with this person. The first time is special. Not so much because it's with someone you love; it rarely is. It's special because this is the first time you're letting someone get so so very close to you and it's intimidating to share this intimate moment with someone. Some girls regret how their first time went while some don't. Make sure you are in the latter group. I don't want you to feel like you have to do it to please someone else. Do it only because you want to. I don't want you to feel pressured into doing anything sexual that you're not comfortable with. Stand up to the person and say NO. It's okay to say NO to the person you think you love. Just be aware of yourself, your desires, your reservations, and your feelings for the other person. 

Don't get pregnant while you're still figuring out life. You're not emotionally there yet to raise a child. Being a mother is difficult. It's beautiful but comes with immense responsibility. You will be responsible for another human being's safety, education, health, character, existence. At this point in your life, you yourself have not fully taken responsibility of yourself. You're financially not in a position to support someone else and having kids is expensive. You have to be financially secure to feel that you can raise a child well. When you're in college or have just graduated, you're earnings are minimum. You can't do justice to yourself or your child. Soon you'll find yourself working multiple jobs just to put food on the table and a roof over your heads. As if being a mother wasn't exhausting enough. Some women who become mothers while they are teenagers go through a phase when they wonder what would have happened if they didn't get pregnant and pursued their career instead. I NEVER want you to wonder about an alternate scenario where you aren't a mother. Take time to build your career; you need it. And you will see that by showing your kids your passion for your career you are teaching them a valuable life lesson. Your grandparents worked very hard for a very long time to go from having nothing to having a lot just so that that my brother and I would feel empowered to dream big. Ensure that you give your child the best of yourself. And you can do that only when you become the best that you can be. 

The other thing about getting pregnant at a young age is the horrible decision you have to make between giving birth and abortion. I think a part of me will die if my daughter had to decide between life and death for her child. 

So that's why I don't want you to get pregnant while you're still so young.

Live life to the fullest and in a way that you will not regret later. At every point ask yourself if this is something you absolutely want to do and if you will be happier after that. Be safe and remember that your parents will always be by your side when you need us. Unless you murdered someone."

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" -Dalai Lama

When I was in college studying management, I was predicted to be one of the most successful persons in our batch. I certainly was on the way to becoming it. I participated in organizations and events in and outside college and felt superb about it. One day when I was showing my American friend around the city she asked me if my ambition is to work in one of these corporates and I said, "No, I have bigger ambitions". Then I got a highly coveted job with one of the world's best employers and I started working in one of those buildings. 

Inside Raheja Mindspace, Hitech City, Hyderabad

So let’s go back two years. When my final year began and I was enrolling for placements, I took a systematic path to it. I sat with my uncle who’s a career counselor and drew a timeline. He asked “Where do you see yourself at 30?” and I said, “I’m running my own business.” And then back-tracked from there, put down where I see myself at 27 yrs, at 25 yrs, at 23 yrs, and so forth. I took it a little further and told myself where I saw myself at 50 yrs!

Now a year later I was at my first employer. Since our office culture doesn't take very kindly to formal wear I put all those new, tailor-made formal pants and skirts in the back of my cupboard and brought out all my casuals. The first day I entered office I was ready to take on the world. I was ready to be one of the most successful people of my batch. I knew that I studied in an average college and even though I was one of the best students, I was still an average person. The point is, I was average and I knew it. So I gave myself some time to soak in the changes, understand the mentality and get into that groove. It’s human nature to take some time to adapt. And then I made the biggest mistake.

I told myself that I wasn’t as smart as everybody else.

Trust me when I say that it’s the worst mistake one can ever make. Nobody’s words hit you as hard as your own. So because I wasn’t as smart as others I wouldn’t actively participate in discussions, just be a passive observer. The irony is that one of my top five strengths is ‘Command’. Add my personal problems to this and you get a mess.       

Months went by and in December I was dying. My mind was blank. I couldn’t concentrate on work; I couldn’t understand anything. I was dying to just get away and I decided to go to Singapore. My company was kind enough to give me that time off and Singapore changed it all. After ten days in Singapore I said to myself, “I can’t leave like this. I didn’t work hard in college to leave things mid-way. I will go back and I will give myself six months. I have to go a step further in the next six months.” So I came back and threw myself into work. And the three things I’ve lived by since January are a Constantly ticking internal clock, Gain knowledge and expertise and Do. Everyday I would go work with a sense of urgency telling myself that I don’t have much time left. On my calendars at home and work everyday I strike out the date at the end of the day to reinforce the time limitation. I placed a white board next to me, on outlook started noting down what I do everyday, wrote down important points on post-its and sticking them on my monitor. My work became my competition and my escape so much so that there were times I left office only around midnight to come back at 7 am the next morning. And my favorite part was acquiring new skills. Since I came back, coding and excel have become my pet. Figuring out logic became my drug. Soon you will a Facebook app made by me!

I’ve learnt to make my manager my confidant and it’s worked out pretty well. After three months when I asked her if I’ve moved forward since December, she said I’ve had exponential growth J. I went home and cried that evening! Now I have another three months left and a new problem at hand- I don’t know where I want to go after these three months. Ah well, I’ll deal with it as it comes.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunayana Sen

“It takes only one person to change your life...you”

Earlier last week I completed the first year of my career. Now I'm one year old in the corporate world! I still remember 25th April 2011 clearly, right from the moment I got into the cab to the moment I came back home and narrated to Ma the wonderful first day that I had. And what a day it was! Heck, what a year its been! This one year is by far the best year I've had. Do I wish to repeat this year? No. Do I wish to re-do it differently? No.

On my Faceversary my colleague asked me "Define this one year in one word and take everything into account". My answer? "Self-discovery".  I invite you to join this discovery as I recap this year and learn about life in this series of blogs.

They welcomed us with bouquets! This is my batch & some older employees on 25th April 2011 

“It takes only one person to change your life...you” -Ruth Casey

Sunayana Sen