A day celebrated, A day cursed

How should I have celebrated my 21^st? They say your 21^st birthday is the last milestone you should celebrate before your 40th. Like you throw parties when you turn sweet 16, adult 18 & legal 21. I remember how I spent the evening howling on my 19^th birthday because I was fearful of the responsibilities in the future. But then it’s my 21^st! You’re supposed to get wasted on this day because you’re legally allowed to drink; hell I got my best friend wasted on her 21^st! I had all the intentions to throw a massive weekend party for about 60 friends. But then two weeks before the day I was looking at the guest list & thought to myself, “It’s a big day for me and I want all my friends there because I know they love me and care for me. But half of the ‘friends’ on the list didn’t care for me, didn’t stand by me when they should’ve, didn’t stop any wrong happening to me, weren’t moved by my tears, nothing at all. Why should I then have them around me on my special day?”

That was the day I decided I wanted a special 21^st only with those who love me.

I’m in a phase where I’m disturbed, emotionally tired, disoriented in my brain & can’t make any decisions. I need a break. From everything. I decided to go to Coimbatore to my aunt’s villa that is in the outskirts of the town surrounded by mountains and nothing else. I wanted a change in environment, wanted peace, solitude, to be away from people. My aunt is a Reiki master and every time she’s around there’s just this peaceful energy. And I was craving for that. So with that thought, I was off to Coimbatore. But then lately God is enjoying this game of throwing random situations at me at the last moment and so instead of going to Coimbatore, I went to Chennai.

I love the beach. I love the sun, warmth, sand, water and wind. On 25^th that’s what we did. We went to a private beach of the Radisson, which was outside town and just walked there for a bit. And I loved it. It was perfect. I saw the sun setting over the water; saw the sky go from light to dark. I wore a pink beach-y dress and even though my late Didima’s (maternal grandmother) gold watch didn’t go with the dress, I still wore it. I know she’s around when I wear the watch and I feel stronger and protected. I took my Didima with me and walked along the shore with her.

I visited God before the beach to say hi and take his blessings- another thing that was top in the agenda. My evening ended with a fantastic dinner at the Radisson Temple Bay, two surprise cakes and a whole bunch of gifts from my aunt! Towards the end of the day I was thanking all those who wished me on Facebook and some of them seemed so genuine like they really wanted the best year for me. 21 years of experiences, memories, gains, losses, relationships, decisions, travel, purchases, status messages, photos, tags and a whole lot more. I will spend tomorrow counting the blessings I got this year and make each of them count in my 22^nd year.

That’s my gift to myself.   

Sunayana Sen

Zindagi mein risk nahi liya tho kya kiya

Zindagi mein risk nahi liya tho kya kiya - Satwik Shukla

 This was the most random statement made in my team meeting today but ended up becoming our team's tag line by the end of the meeting! But this was the 'moment' of the day for me when my spirit got reenergized again. In summer of 2009, when I was in college & part of various extra-curricular organizations, my leader said to a bunch of ~20 youngsters who had just become leaders: "My biggest regrets in life are the risks not taken." And boy did that statement have a profound effect on me. Since then on every time I was at crossroads trying to make the most profitable trade-off, I would think of that statement & make a quick decision. That's how I developed the decisiveness skill I pride myself on. This was also what I said to myself when my ex asked me out. Of course now he's my 'ex' but that doesn't diminish the power of that statement :)

Just for giving me the guiding philosophy of my life, Akhil Reddy, I hope you're blessed with 10x Karma. If I'm on my deathbed & don't regret anything, I hope you know that I took the most important risks.

Sunayana Sen          

Who were you? Who will you be?

Reincarnation best describes the concept where the soul or spirit, after the death of the body, is believed to return to live in a new human body, or, in some traditions, either as a human being, animal or plant. - Wikipedia

Have you ever thought of what/who you were in you past life/lives? Have you ever thought if the concept exists? For most of my life I believed there was only one dimension on Earth. There didn't exist any heaven or hell; there was only now for each of us, no past life or future life. But then I read 'Many Lives, Many Masters' by Dr. Brian Weiss. My uncle introduced me to this book. While he was narrating the gist of the story, there was this crazed look in his eyes & he seemed lost in the narration. And he's a doctor. He's been a general physician for more than 35 yrs now & he was excited by a book on past life & rebirth. Now I was curious. So I borrowed the book & started reading.

Dr. Weiss is a highly educated doctor & like the rest of the medical community was trained to think logically at every point. Existence of past life was not possible. Catherine walked into this office then with over 30 phobias. She had so many phobias that she was leading a miserable life. None of the conventional treatments were helping so Dr. Weiss tried using hypnosis & regression. Phobias that we live with are almost always caused by some trauma we've experienced earlier. Hypnosis & regression techniques are used to go back in memories and address the traumas. Some of her anxiety was cured after she relived some traumas but most still remained. So they went further back in time & in the process they stumbled upon the existence of past lives. Apparently she's lived more than 80 times in the physical form. If she had an unnatural death, the cause of her death became the phobia in her current life. And so on & so forth the book goes. But the most exciting thing I got out of the book was the concept of (what I'd like to call) 'Inner circle'. 

Sometimes some people walk into your life & stay forever. Most leave. Some feel like they've been around & will be around forever. Some feel like a passing cloud. He says that those people who are in your most inner circle will always be in this circle in every lifetime. Your daughter from two lifetimes ago may be that niece you're close to in your current lifetime, or your husband from a past life is your best friend in your current lifetime. The people who impact your life the most are those people who’ve been with you always, through life, death & in between. He also said that the nature of the relationship carries forward. If you’ve been having a rocky relationship with a close person, you will have a rocky relationship with that person even in future lives unless you break that chain. Maybe this explains my relationship with my ex-best friend? Maybe this explains my relationship with some of those people who have a profound effect on my life but aren’t around me. Does it also mean that now since I’m aware of this I should work on all those rocky relationships so that in my future lifetimes I have lesser grief? Intriguing thought.

Have I started believing in rebirth & reincarnation? I’m still unsure. Unless I undergo the same experience as Catherine did, I may never be.    

Sunayana Sen