“It takes only one person to change your life...you”

Earlier last week I completed the first year of my career. Now I'm one year old in the corporate world! I still remember 25th April 2011 clearly, right from the moment I got into the cab to the moment I came back home and narrated to Ma the wonderful first day that I had. And what a day it was! Heck, what a year its been! This one year is by far the best year I've had. Do I wish to repeat this year? No. Do I wish to re-do it differently? No.

On my Faceversary my colleague asked me "Define this one year in one word and take everything into account". My answer? "Self-discovery".  I invite you to join this discovery as I recap this year and learn about life in this series of blogs.

They welcomed us with bouquets! This is my batch & some older employees on 25th April 2011 

“It takes only one person to change your life...you” -Ruth Casey

Sunayana Sen 

The Sitar Diaries

The sound of the Sitar is like a delicate yet strong woman while the sound of the Tabla is like a man. While played together the sound of Tabla always dominates but if you listen to the music you will notice the strength & stability of the Sitar's sound. Just like the woman who will stay at the base and provide the strong foundation to take support & grow on.

At any point of the music there will be that delicate sound of the Sitar. The piece always starts off with the sound of the Sitar & ends with it too. It remains that constant delicate sound in the background. 

If Sitar was a woman, the way you handle the Sitar accurately depicts her mood. You can raise the tempo & it may sound like ecstasy; Raise the tempo keeping the base low, and it will sound like fury; Play it slowly, just lightly touching it, it will bring you peace & calm; Play it flat & it will sound like sadness; Gradually raise the tempo with spaced out touches & it sounds like fear. 

Always listen to the sound of the Sitar in the background. It usually depicts the honesty of the mind. If you catch the pulse of the Sitar, you will lose yourself in someone else's life; you will feel ecstasy, fear, sadness, peace, fury- all of this in the few notes from start to finish.

All in a block of wood.

Sunayana Sen

The world from the waiting platform

Sitting at the Tirupati railway station you see a peculiar sight of bald heads all around you. I spent an hour on the platform waiting for my train to pull in and it struck me how in places like railway stations and airports there’s a plethora of people all living different lives, with different destinations in life. Especially in India it’s enhanced with colors, sounds and smells.

Sitting in front of me is a lady with minimal luggage. In the hustle-bustle of the station she sits quietly and rearranges her bag. The most astonishing thing about Indian women from the streets is where they hide their purse. Of course, unlike us they have tiny purses just big enough to place their meager collection of money- wouldn't be more than a couple of hundreds. After setting her purse and hiding it in her blouse she moves on to rearranging her bag that is nothing more than a shopping bag made of cloth. I watch as she removes each item and boy was I stunned! I doubt our well-paid-for totes can accommodate that much! Quietly, in her own world she goes about arranging her bag, oblivious to the bald heads screaming next to her. 

Which brings me to my next source of amusement- the three bald heads. This family of five just got all of their heads shaved, except the mother. The parents are seated quietly, clearly oblivious (or used to) to the three bald heads' screaming. One bald head thinks he's Rajnikanth. He's trying to lift his brother off the ground even though he's failing miserably. After a while he's given up trying to be a hero using his brother; now he's fighting an imaginary villain. 

A young girl who’s probably younger than me came to freshen up at the water tap. Guess what, she’s newly married. Her husband is next to her and is pretty young himself. My aunt pointed out that he has similar facial features as the girl so he’s probably her brother. Even if he is her brother he can still be her husband; they’re from Andhra Pradesh after all. But whoever he is, they were definitely blushing while talking to each other. Even in this huge railway station filled with strangers, they had an intimate moment, which my aunt and I forced ourselves into.

Stations & airports are the best places to just sit and watch how the disconnected world finally connects in one place before traveling to different destinations.

Sunayana Sen

A day celebrated, A day cursed

How should I have celebrated my 21^st? They say your 21^st birthday is the last milestone you should celebrate before your 40th. Like you throw parties when you turn sweet 16, adult 18 & legal 21. I remember how I spent the evening howling on my 19^th birthday because I was fearful of the responsibilities in the future. But then it’s my 21^st! You’re supposed to get wasted on this day because you’re legally allowed to drink; hell I got my best friend wasted on her 21^st! I had all the intentions to throw a massive weekend party for about 60 friends. But then two weeks before the day I was looking at the guest list & thought to myself, “It’s a big day for me and I want all my friends there because I know they love me and care for me. But half of the ‘friends’ on the list didn’t care for me, didn’t stand by me when they should’ve, didn’t stop any wrong happening to me, weren’t moved by my tears, nothing at all. Why should I then have them around me on my special day?”

That was the day I decided I wanted a special 21^st only with those who love me.

I’m in a phase where I’m disturbed, emotionally tired, disoriented in my brain & can’t make any decisions. I need a break. From everything. I decided to go to Coimbatore to my aunt’s villa that is in the outskirts of the town surrounded by mountains and nothing else. I wanted a change in environment, wanted peace, solitude, to be away from people. My aunt is a Reiki master and every time she’s around there’s just this peaceful energy. And I was craving for that. So with that thought, I was off to Coimbatore. But then lately God is enjoying this game of throwing random situations at me at the last moment and so instead of going to Coimbatore, I went to Chennai.

I love the beach. I love the sun, warmth, sand, water and wind. On 25^th that’s what we did. We went to a private beach of the Radisson, which was outside town and just walked there for a bit. And I loved it. It was perfect. I saw the sun setting over the water; saw the sky go from light to dark. I wore a pink beach-y dress and even though my late Didima’s (maternal grandmother) gold watch didn’t go with the dress, I still wore it. I know she’s around when I wear the watch and I feel stronger and protected. I took my Didima with me and walked along the shore with her.

I visited God before the beach to say hi and take his blessings- another thing that was top in the agenda. My evening ended with a fantastic dinner at the Radisson Temple Bay, two surprise cakes and a whole bunch of gifts from my aunt! Towards the end of the day I was thanking all those who wished me on Facebook and some of them seemed so genuine like they really wanted the best year for me. 21 years of experiences, memories, gains, losses, relationships, decisions, travel, purchases, status messages, photos, tags and a whole lot more. I will spend tomorrow counting the blessings I got this year and make each of them count in my 22^nd year.

That’s my gift to myself.   

Sunayana Sen

A Puzzle Ball

Ma & I made a puzzle ball today when the rest of the household was asleep. We had bought it yesterday for my birthday. I was really fascinated to think that I could place it on my office desk, you know, like a snow globe. So we started putting this together and boy, was it difficult! A simple flat puzzle is easy to make, but a round one is hard as hell. While I was making it, I was excited initially, then I started getting a little frustrated because I wasn't able to put the right pieces together. As I started getting more frustrated, I started applying more pressure thereby breaking what I had already put together. At points I wanted to give up but then I said to myself "I bought it because I wanted to place something beautiful on my desk" and so I kept going. And I was doing this on my 21st birthday. While listening to Christmas carols.

I then realized that my relationship was just like that. When I said yes, I said it because I wanted it to grow into something beautiful. In the beginning it was exciting & we kept going. When frustration started setting in because we weren't able to put the right pieces together, we started applying pressure at those points where we thought it was required just to realize that other pieces fell apart. Then more frustration started setting in. Patience, soft touch, determination is required to make the puzzle ball. Even after we finished, there still were some rough points; some pieces didn't even set properly. But then nothing is ever perfect.

Even after it's done, all pieces fit together perfectly, it still looks wrong, then it's because the pieces were from different puzzles.

Sunayana Sen    

Utopia

Are you ever good enough? No matter how close to perfect you may be, it's still never good enough na. There is always something, somewhere that's missing & often it's that something that is the basis of someone's choice. What if there was Utopia? Would there even be something missing? Why don't we have Utopia? I just don't get why, when we're tired of mistakes & wrongs, don't we have Utopia? You would think that when you reach a point when you don't want to make mistakes, or be sad, or hate someone & be hated, or fall in love & lose it, you would get together with others like you and create Utopia. I mean, isn't it simply logical?

I know someone who's always been strong & independent; ever since childhood fought her own battles & wiped her own tears, who stayed strong & practical through tough times even when all odds were against her. But is there a limit till which she can be that? Doesn't she want to give up & escape after a point just for a little while? Isn't she entitled to it? She's the kind who drips of loyalty, the kind who can never wish ill for somebody no matter how bad that person has been to her, the kind who gives people direction in life, the kind who's sure of herself, the kind who's principles never waver, the kind who doesn't deserve to be worthless. But then that's what she is. What if she was in Utopia? She wouldn't be worthless na? She would deserve the equivalent of her strength. But then I just thought of the irony- if she deserves the equivalent of her strength, the hardship she's been through is so rough to match her strength. Am I right? I wonder that if she just wants a change & leaves something because she's drained of her strength, will she be looked down upon? Will people call her weak? But she's been so strong her entire life; will that be overridden if she escapes once?

Is escapism bad? Does that indicate a weak personality? Is it addictive like a drug? This wouldn't even be necessary if there was Utopia. If someone's fighting for a parliament bill to clean up a vicious system, I think we should go all the way and create Utopia. That's the key to it all. That's the one thing we can never have.

One half a step too late or too early and you dont quite make it,

One half second too slow, too fast, you dont quite catch it.

The inches we need are everywhere around us.

They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch.

On this team we tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces for that inch.

Claw with our fingernails for that inch.

Because we know when we add up all those inches, that's gonna make the f***ing difference between winnin & losing, between living and dying.    

-Al Pacino, Any Given Sunday

Sunayana Sen

Inch-by-Inch

This is one of my favorite speeches EVER! In the most difficult times, this is what I listen too. So far it's this that keeps me going. 

From the movie- 'Any Given Sunday' starring Al Pacino.

I don't know what to say really; three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives......all comes down to today.

Either we heal as a team or we're gonna crumble; inch by inch, play by play 'till we're finished.

We're in hell right now gentlemen, believe me. 

And we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, or...we can fight our way back, into the light. We can climb out of hell.

One inch at a time.

Now I can't do it for you, i'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think..... I mean I made every wrong choice a middle aged man can make.

I pissed away all my money, believe it or not.

I chased off anyone who's ever loved me.

And lately I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know....when you get old in life, things get taken from you....that's part of life.

But you only learn that.....when you start losing stuff.

You find out life's a game of inches.

So is football.

Because in either game- life or football- the margin for error is so small...I mean....

One half a step too late or too early and you dont quite make it,

One half second too slow, too fast, you dont quite catch it.

The inches we need are everywhere around us.

They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch.

On this team we tear ourselves and everyone around us to pieces for that inch.

Claw with our fingernails for that inch.

Because we know when we add up all those inches, thats gonna make the f***ing difference between winnin & losing,

between living and dying.

i'll tell you this......

In any fight it's the guy who's willing to die who's gonna win that inch.

And I know that if i'm gonna have any life anymore it's because im still willing to fight & die for that inch.

Because that's what living is. The 6 inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it.

You gotta look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think you're gonna see a guy who'll go that inch with you.....

You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes to it, you're gonna do the same for him.

That's a team gentlemen.

And either we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals.

That's football guys. That's all it is.

Now.....what are you gonna do?

Sunayana Sen